By Nancy Reid, Staff Writer, myOptumHealth

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Your teenager. He holes himself up in his room, spends hours on the Internet and acts as if you are the village idiot. He argues all the time and is moody. What happened to your easygoing 12-year-old?

It's early adolescence. A time of raging hormones, peer pressure and all sorts of other teen issues. And it can be a tough time for parents. You may feel you can't relate to your teen, who may be sensitive one moment and highly critical the next.

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But be assured that all of this is to be expected. The normal road to adulthood means that teens pull away. They need to negotiate new relationships with their parents. Remember, the better the communication with your teen, the healthier the relationship.

Talking dos

• Pay attention. Turn off the TV, put down the paper and give your child your undivided attention. Also, let your teen finish talking before you respond.
• Notice how things are being said. In other words, pay attention to nonverbal hints such as facial expressions, eye contact and tone of voice.
• Make sure you understand your teen's point of view before you jump in and give reassurance or advice. Don't assume.
• Try reflective listening. Figure out what's behind what your child is saying and then say it out loud. Example:
  • Teen: "My history teacher is so unfair. She hates me and is always picking on me. I'm going to fail that class."
  • Parent: "You sound like your feelings are hurt. And you seem discouraged, too." Instead of the parent saying: "Your teacher doesn't hate you. All you need to do is study more, and you'll do fine in the class."
• Keep focused on the issue. Young teens are masters at changing the definition. It goes like this: Parent: "Please go upstairs and clean your room." Teen: "Why are you in such a bad mood?"

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Talking don'ts

• Don't patronize or talk down to young teens.
• Don't grill your teen. ("What time did you get over to Anna's? Who was there? What did you do when you got there? Was her brother there? What did you do after that?")
• Don't preach. ("When I was your age ....")
• Avoid power struggles. Teens often feel like they don't have control over much of anything. They get into verbal power struggles with parents as a way of trying to grab some control.
• Don't rush in with knee-jerk advice, like "What I would do is" the second after your child tells you something.
• Don't moralize.
• Don't ridicule, call names or make other derogatory or belittling comments.
• Don't nag.

If you are still having a hard time communicating with your teen, look into family counseling with your teen. A good counselor can help you and your teen make it through these challenging years.

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